20.07.15 Eleven Years Later...

Wow. I somehow stumbled onto my maiden post as an up and coming influential blogger. It was to be my only post. I wrote it 11 1/2 years ago. It's funny how much of what I wrote then rings true now in spite of all the changes since that first post.

It was in the fall of the same year I started the blog that I met Danny. I married him six years later. Now, short of our fifth year wedding anniversary, we aren't living together, trying to decide what we want to do with the relationship. The loneliness I felt being alone 11 years ago is now being experienced as relief. I want to live alone. I want to be selfish and do what I want, when I want, how I want. I'm working on that, but right now, having lived in hell for the most part for the last couple of years, I just feel relief. I feel serenity. Yes, I'm sober now and working actively on achieving serenity. I worked parttime, then retired last year and took care of Mom. I lost her in February so there is a large void where she used to exist in my life. But with the pandemic still raging, my life in retirement, my life of travel and being a social butterfly or living on a remote island has been put on hold. Indefinitely.

And now I'm living alone again. Just the one dog, Ellie May, who came from my next-door neighbors to live with me and now, thankfully, to keep me company.

So what ever happened to that list of 10 ways to recreate my life? I wish I'd written them then because I don't know what they are now. But what I can do is work on a new list for recreating my life because I'm intrigued with that idea. I have changed my life quite a bit over the last two years. And not just retiring, losing my mom and separating from Danny. It's losing 50+ pounds and exercising daily and most important of all, becoming a member of AA.

So maybe the first two items on my list should be:

1. Be as Healthy as You Can. Move. Watch what you eat. Do just a little every day, then a little bit more the next day or the next week, but just do it. Cut back. Get up more. Small chunks.

2. Quit Drinking. Duh. It makes you stupid when you become a regular drinker. It's a waste of money, calories and brain power. It results in nothing good at all.

Maybe I'll be back in another 11 years to list the other eight items on the list.

29.12.09 Journey from Depair

Journey From Despair? Isn't that a little over-dramatic? Well, without thinking about it for too long, it's what came to me when I had to spontaneously come up with a name for my blog. The intent--again without much forethought as to the idea of creating a blog--is to see if I can change my life. I recently came up with 10 steps for re-creating my life. 

Actually, I'm not sure how many there are, but it's somewhere around 10. Then I thought it might be interesting to document it starting from the shitty beginning that promulgated the list in the first place. Just for me. Just to see if I'd make any progress. (And if I did, I'd immediately catapult the whole affair into a best-seller and syndication rights.)  

OK. So, from the beginning: life sucks. I'm 51 years old. I'm divorced, no kids. I have a job, but wouldn't really call it a "career" because I haven't had that much success and don't have the confidence in my abilities to feel like an industry leader of any sort. I have 2 dogs that I love dearly and are a big part of my life. I feel like this is my big saving grace and that we have a real rapport, an understanding, a connection....until someone comes to the door. Or I try to take them for a daily walk. 

 I'm not in a relationship and that's the big perceived void in my life. I do believe that once the rest of my life takes shape (the 10 steps kick in), I will naturally find my soulmate. So what's wrong with Life? 

Boredom. No joy. No motivation. Looking for shortcuts but can't figure out what to do with them when I have them. Nothing to look forward to. No one to talk to at the end of the day save my dogs. I don't have cable. I thought about it, but can't justify the cost for polluting the mind. I'd rather rent it so recently joined NetFlix. Am watching the whole series Six Feet Under from the beginning. There's an episode where a 46-year-old woman dies and no one shows up for her funeral. She had no friends, no permanent jobs, no family. I could relate in my imagination. It was assumed by most that this was very sad but the point was raised by Clare: What if she didn't conform to society's idea of 'happiness' and she was indeed living her life exactly as she wanted? 

 I wonder if I'm unhappy that I'm alone so much or unhappy that society thinks I'm unhappy because I'm alone so much. Truly, I do know this: I am less despondant, less weird when I spend at least a portion of time with other people. Can't explain it, but it keeps me sane--even if I think I'm okay spending days at a time all alone. 

Tomorrow I'll post my list.